breaking down.

All of the things I love in my life are breaking down. My relationships with my parents, my friends' lives, my bank account, my goals and aspirations, my sanity. All of these are disintegrating as if alka seltzer was dropped in water; not alka seltzer in soda, mind you, but water, where I'm forced to watch it fizzle and bubble but not burst. It will slowly dissolve from one that was once whole into a million tiny atoms catalyzed by the addition of another atom, yet it does this slowly. Slowly enough to remind you of every single moment that you spent with that whole solid pure substance that is now going away, and all that's left will be single atomic fragments what was once tangible. Breaking down never sounds like a fun time. I always thought that cars broke down, not people. Well, as I'm getting older, I'm learning that people break down too. So much. So much that just a single word of a thought is enough to create the grandest illusion of a fear to consume a thought process, an idea, a brain, a life. Why must a human brain that is so vastly advanced concentrate on a thing that has no real bearing or basis in real life. The breaking down of the human conscious weighs on my mind constantly. And with no way to escape it. No path, no code, no control to stop the dissolution of reality. Everything I once knew seems to be that way no longer. I'm afraid that this is what growing up feels like. That growing up is breaking down, and not in the good way of breaking down walls that hold you back, instead it's the breaking down of previously known facts that cannot be any more due to age or money or status or what others think. It plagues me to think of it this way but the thoughts won't ever stop. The repeated words like obsessions keep drowning my subconscious, creating a vortex of words that may be lies, or they may be truth. I can't figure out which. And to me, it seems that I may never figure out, unless I'm going through life like every other single person on the planet, ignorant of society's misfits and conundrums. Where are we going? Where are we coming from? These existential questions that keep me up at night aren't necessary to ask if we want to live aside from the truth of the world. Finding out why is the problem, and is causing the breaking down. I can't explain the lack of control found in the degeneration of my mind. I only know that it's happening, and I just hope I'm smart enough to watch it while it fades like alka seltzer in water.