breaking down.

All of the things I love in my life are breaking down. My relationships with my parents, my friends' lives, my bank account, my goals and aspirations, my sanity. All of these are disintegrating as if alka seltzer was dropped in water; not alka seltzer in soda, mind you, but water, where I'm forced to watch it fizzle and bubble but not burst. It will slowly dissolve from one that was once whole into a million tiny atoms catalyzed by the addition of another atom, yet it does this slowly. Slowly enough to remind you of every single moment that you spent with that whole solid pure substance that is now going away, and all that's left will be single atomic fragments what was once tangible. Breaking down never sounds like a fun time. I always thought that cars broke down, not people. Well, as I'm getting older, I'm learning that people break down too. So much. So much that just a single word of a thought is enough to create the grandest illusion of a fear to consume a thought process, an idea, a brain, a life. Why must a human brain that is so vastly advanced concentrate on a thing that has no real bearing or basis in real life. The breaking down of the human conscious weighs on my mind constantly. And with no way to escape it. No path, no code, no control to stop the dissolution of reality. Everything I once knew seems to be that way no longer. I'm afraid that this is what growing up feels like. That growing up is breaking down, and not in the good way of breaking down walls that hold you back, instead it's the breaking down of previously known facts that cannot be any more due to age or money or status or what others think. It plagues me to think of it this way but the thoughts won't ever stop. The repeated words like obsessions keep drowning my subconscious, creating a vortex of words that may be lies, or they may be truth. I can't figure out which. And to me, it seems that I may never figure out, unless I'm going through life like every other single person on the planet, ignorant of society's misfits and conundrums. Where are we going? Where are we coming from? These existential questions that keep me up at night aren't necessary to ask if we want to live aside from the truth of the world. Finding out why is the problem, and is causing the breaking down. I can't explain the lack of control found in the degeneration of my mind. I only know that it's happening, and I just hope I'm smart enough to watch it while it fades like alka seltzer in water. 

less is more

"you are much more than this"
*disclaimer**** i am not depressed. this isn't one of those types of things. so don't think that**

a close friend told me they didn't like the person i am anymore. that the person i was two years ago was much more than i am now and i should be that person again. well people change, bud. maybe i chose to be less because i couldn't stand everyone expecting more from me. if you are more, then expectations are just one more thing to add to the list that is written on your arms. the list that bleeds through your skin into your blood and sinks itself through your organs to your feet only to become a part of you. the list of things you're supposed to be that consumes you and makes you forget who you really are. so maybe yes, maybe i am less than i was before. 
but sometimes you have to become less to figure out how much more you can be. 

i don't know who the real me is. or even if there are such things as real "me's" or "you's" or anyone out there. it doesn't mean i'm going to stay a static person my whole life if i find something comfortable to live in. stagnant is not synonymous with more. more means changing. and maybe changing makes one less, but i believe that the change will ultimately bring about good. more. more good in people. isn't that what the world needs now? so, to make things full circle, it's okay to be less. less means more time for peace, more time for discovering, creating, finding. and less means making mistakes. even though they may drive a loved one so crazy that he goes into a shock coma and won't wake up until the mistakes are fixed. so be it. at least you know who you are and that's not going to stop anything. 
the end.


i didn't mean for this to be a self empowering post. i meant it to be a rant about someone telling me i was bad. but perhaps this self empowering post is just what i needed to get out of my system and into someone else's.