still..here.

Those nights where you have music ADD and can't focus on one thought without jumping to another within less than thirty seconds.  Those nights where it becomes even harder to write with music on because those fleeting, less than thirty second long thoughts are louder than the music and you have to concentrate on them for them to go away. Those nights where you know it's been too long since you wrote last, but you didn't know what to do about it. Because life was passing by too quickly to take note of what was passing. Because the mystified eyes in this heart did not know which direction to look for the longest time. And still don't. because no matter how hard you try, you never get to write before 12am in the morning, and you know these coherent thoughts aren't that coherent in the first place, they just make you feel better by writing them down. Those nights where you realize that you…yourself…are still here. You have not changed one iota since being in this new city, new living space, new life. You feel like a whole different person because you're now accustomed to this hard busy life and you appreciate it more, but it's deceiving. You think you're smarter for having witnessed these past two months. Even though they've been the longest and best or worst months of your life, they did not change you. Those nights where you realize that because you aren't changed yet, you are still in the same metaphoric place of the mind that you've been for the past 12 months..with thoughts that need to be written down and recorded and seen by someone other than yourself. Anonymously, if possible, but probably not. Only because notoriety is more important these days than anonymity. Those nights where you realize that  I'm still here and not really going anywhere any time soon.